I am here

I’m showing up for my life. In big ways and little ways. I’m “present” in the now, in the moment. I am intentional with my attention, my energy and my time.

I am here for me.

I am here for every previous version of myself that has gotten us to today. I am here to love her, hold her, support her and forgive her – for being human, imperfect and just trying to make it through another day. I am here to help her heal.

I am here for the future versions of myself. I am here to celebrate what she is going to do, who she is going to become and all of those she is going to help. I am here, putting in the work, so she can be free and live in true harmony and peace.

But, most importantly, I’m here for me, now, in this moment. I am here to celebrate my life. I am here to cheer my own growth and success. I am here to CELEBRATE healing. I am here to be free and break chains. I am here to learn the value of rest and the wisdom inside my own spirit. I am here to tune into and learn from the spirit realm.

I am here to love. I am here to love BIG and DEEPLY. I am here to hold space for those who are growing and healing. I am here to provide a safe space. I am here to hold, love and nurture others who are seeking healing. I am here to feel the cries of their heart and feel the emotions they don’t even know they have bottled up within the wounds of their souls.

I am hear to know the heart, the very heart, of God. I am here to dive into infinite love and bring back buckets of healing, soaking, restorative love to the dry places in others. I am here to shine light on the path and support others along the way.

I am here because I matter and I’m making a difference. I am here because I was designed to be unique and different. I am here, in this time, to do what others can not. I am here to fulfill my calling as a “sponge”, “canary”, “priest”, “beloved daughter” and Reflector.

I am here.

Feeling – a talk with God

I am a seeker. I have questions that I will either have answered or I will die with unanswered questions. There is no other choice for me. I don’t have the capacity to “just accept” or “believe”. I have tried that and got my heart shattered. Some things I have faith for. Some parts of that hold true but others do not.

In my searching, I have joined several FB groups on Human Design. This morning there was a post with this excerpt:

“We have to pay attention to terminology – they [reflectors] are essentially our priests, in a way.” And I don’t mean that in a religious sense. I mean in the kind of people who stood at the tops of the ancient pyramids and understood what heaven was saying. This is a different type of relationship. They are designed to communicate with the gods. Now, of course, you know I like to call the planets of the gods, however, no one is better equipped to kiss the gods and do only one with the gods than a Reflector. – Full text here

I was just talking with my Creator this morning about how I want to be able to more clearly communicate with Him and receive directly from Him. I am not ok going through a clergy or a mediator. I want to hear the voice of God. I have before and it is my whole-hearted belief we are all designed to be in relationship with and directly receive communication from our Creator.

My assumption is that I would see, hear or know things because I’ve experienced those before. I got the distinct understanding that I’m supposed to FEEL things. My shoulders slumped and I dejectedly said “oh”. It was disappointing to me. I’m just learning to sort “me” from the “other” and, truthfully, it’s hard, it’s work and it’s confusing AF sometimes.

After reflecting on this, this is what I’m equipped for. This is how I’m designed. This is part of my purpose here. The knowing, the hearing, the seeing – those things make sense to my logical mind and I have been led to develop those senses in the past, by people who relate that way, and I assume, are not Reflectors. If they are other Types, the will be most equipped and comfortable communicating in ways that are different than my gifting.

Using feelings to communicate with God is a whole other level. In a lot of ways using feelings is outside of my mental comfort zone so it makes absolute sense it is the route that has to be taken – to bypass the thought and tap into the spirit.

So, cheers to working on any junk emotions in the way; tapping into the Spirit; sorting what is mine, what is other and what is God; and, then, learning to correctly interpret the emotions. Should be a total cake walk. *insert eye roll here*

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Reflector reflections

Does any other reflector feel bad that they are not the same from day to day? I feel bad for my family and the people close to me. I feel like I’m not dependable or stable. I can’t imagine waking up to a “new” person almost every effing day.

I am coming to understand I have a lot of conditioning around being consistent. No one in my birth family has a clue about HD. When I was being raised, they had no way of knowing I’m a shape-shifting chameleon. I fully get from their perspective how important it is to be consistent and have routines/patterns. I see the value in it from the perspective of the other design forms.

I feel “less than” or “flawed” because I am not consistent and structured.

But, am I? Is this true for me?

No. My design is one of flow. The way I am made is not flawed. I was not created with flaws or lack. I have patterns but they are a bigger “loop” than the rest of the souls in the world. I have cycles and patterns but they are wider and broader than most others’. At the same time, they are more intricate and nuanced. I am a beautiful kaleidoscope of ever changing activations, moods, energies and personifications. And this is HOW I AM MADE. This is a fundamental part of my design and an integral element in fulfilling my purpose.

I, actually, love routines. (Some people call them rituals but I’m not super comfortable with that term – religious conditioning – one thing at a time.) Routines help me feel grounded and stable. They offer me the illusion of control or, at minimum, that I’m surviving and managing the chaos that surrounds me.

I was brought up in chaos. I grew up “rolling with the punches” and “flying by the seat of my pants”. This was my “normal”. I know chaos is a shadow. I know there is elevation and expansion here.

My sweetgoodman (projector) is not scared of evolution, growth or change. He is not nearly as bothered by my inconsistency as I am. He enjoys the surprise of who I will be today. He holds space for me to expand and encourages my metamorphoses.

Sometimes I notice him looking at me with wonder and amazement. I see him appreciating the kaleidoscope and the beauty of the every shifting and changing picture. I am truly blessed to have someone who sees me, supports me, holds space for me and is excited for me. He does not feel I am “too much” or crazy. He is such a beautiful place to anchor and a gift to me.

I am a reflector. I am set to a 28 day cycle. I do not function like the “rest” of the world. I am uniquely designed and beautiful. I embody the universe. I will never be the same from day to day. I am consistently inconsistent. I am a breath of fresh air in a world of stagnate routine. I am flow. I am whole in my design and creation.

I will always be too much for those who are not ready for expansion. I will no longer shrink to fit. I will no longer feel bad about my evolution. I am designed to hold the cosmos. Either step up and expand with me or, sincerely, I wish you the best as I travel on without you. May you be blessed on your journey – whichever path you choose.

Open, open, open

Open head – the ability to take in a mountain of information.

Open Ajna – I’m not even really sure what an Ajna is. (Something else to study.)

Open throat – My “voice” never sounds the same.

Open heart, spleen, root, sacral, g center, and everything else.

Just open. Vast intake. A “super sponge”.

Taking in so much, too much… the other, the not me, the ideas that are not mine, the feelings that are not mine, the everything that is not mine.

Where am I?

Where do I begin?

What do I really think or feel or believe?

Who am I?

I know what I am.

Exhausted.

No dependable or sustainable energy to power this monstrous intake.

I am tired from carrying things that are not mine and taking in mountains of information and emotion.

How do I begin to learn to process and integrate all of these things when I’m continually seeking more, bombarded with more, absorbing more, just more, more, more?

How do I study, embody or even grasp something so huge and intricate?

Put the things down… rest… just be in the moment… breathe… isolate and discharge… get into nature… make the time… s l o w d o w n…

I am far from empty or void. I am full of everything. I am an ever-changing kaleidoscope of knowledge, wisdom, information, intuition, energy and emotion.

I am vast.

I am expansive.

I am open.

I contain the entire universe.

Identity and love as a Human Design Reflector

How can a reflector know they are loved? Do you love ME or do you love the parts of yourself you see in me?Are reflectors destined to live with no real way of knowing they are truly, deeply loved for who they are?

How can you love “me” when I don’t even know me? How do I really know myself? Where is it that I stop and the other begins?

These questions weigh heavily on my mind and heart. They make me question every relationship I’ve ever had in my life.

When you are a super absorbent sponge and a super reflective mirror – these questions can be very difficult to answer.

Every person seeks love, inclusion, belonging and acceptance. Every person wants to feel safe, seen and heard. How can you be assured you’ve authentically experienced any of these things as a Reflector?

Living in the moment seems to be a key. Looking back causes doubt, questions and turmoil. Questioning whether you’ve truly ever been loved by anyone throughout your whole life is extremely disturbing and can not be healthy for your body.

Do I feel loved and accepted in this moment? Do I feel valued, seen and heard in this interaction? I think understanding how that feels in my body gives me clarity and helps me understand past encounters. If this is what being (insert good thing here) feels like to me, when have I felt that before?

Upon reflection, I have been genuinely loved. I have been accepted and valued. I am certain of these things.

However, being deeply “seen”, I don’t know if that will ever happen.

A lot of the reflectors I’ve encountered so far are offering to sell coaching, mentorship and services. I get it. People have bills to pay, lives to live and there are only 24 hours in a day.

But, I would just like a friend. It would be lovely to find someone who wants to hang out and talk about things for free. Not only am I the 1%, I feel like a minority within that 1%.

Is this disappointment I’m feeling? I’ve labeled this sadness, loneliness, lost-ness, broken-heartedness, rejection and several other things throughout my life. Anger has also been a HUGE component for me when I’ve felt this.

I’m still settling what “disappointed” feels like in my body but I’m beginning to witness my emotions. I’m beginning to slow down and check in with myself instead of pushing through, pushing down or ignoring things. This Reflector is reflecting so I know I’m growing into myself.

But, I don’t want to be a reflector

With tears streaming down my face, I tell my sweetgoodman, “I don’t waaaaaaant to be a reflector. Just look at this map. LOOK AT IT! Nothing is colored in. It’s like I don’t have any identity of my own. I’m blank. I’m void. I’m just a meat suite with no soul. This is TOTAL BULLSHIT.”

It is safe to say I was not happy to learn I am what is know as a reflector within the Human Design system.

If you are unfamiliar with Human Design, like I was, here is a link. If you have been “doing the work”, healing, searching for meaning and purpose or simply interested in how you relate to the world, this could be your next step. Be aware – for me, it was a doozy!

I was exposed to Human Design about two and a half weeks ago. Xtina is the kind of woman that has intentionally built the life she wants. She has two beautiful, young daughters; a loving, supportive husband and a thriving online business. She’s making bank and stays home with her babies. She is smart, authentic, funny and an amazing mom and business woman. (Of course, I follow her and stalk her posts! Who doesn’t want to live a life they have designed???)

Inside Xtina’s free mentorship group, she introduced us to Theo. As you would expect, Theo is also a dynamic, successful woman, with strong feminine energy, who has put in the work to learn, grow, receive mentorship and build a successful brand. Part of what Theo has studied is Human Design.

After exhaustive research to track down my birth time (translation – harassing my parental units into confirming if it was a minute before or after my birth weight backward), I plugged my info into one of the many sites I found while googling.

“A reflector. Hmmmm. What does that even mean?”

More googling.

“…1% of the world’s population…” – Well, that is going to be a small club. I wonder if I will “fit in”. I really don’t like the thought that I’m going to be different than 99% of the rest of the world.

“Reflectors have no energy or awareness….” – WTF? I am unaware of myself? Does this mean I don’t have a self? I know I’m a low energy person but I have to be able to function in life. What is this no energy business? Am I a “no self” slug?

“…a Reflector is constantly taking in other peoples’ energies and emotions. Without any reliable patterns of their own.” – I’m reliable. I have successfully raised children (successfully definition – no one died, they were all fed, clothed and loved and no one is on drugs or in prison). Constantly taking in energy and emotions. I see the emotion part but I’m sure missing energy. God, how I HATE the big emotions that I can’t control and make me feel crazy. The thing that made me cry is so illogical and not something that should illicit this kind of response.

“…always vulnerable” – Dammit!!! I am NOT a victim. My ex husband was WRONG when he told me I was gullible.

I stopped googling at this point. I was so very sad because I would always be a void, with no definition of my own. No clear picture of who I really am. I was destined to have no personal identity or real purpose. I was simply a cork bobbing in an ocean of what everyone else thinks I am or should be.

I was frustrated, confused and MAD. “I don’t want to be a freaking reflector and this is all bullshit!”

Fortunately, I was brave enough to attend a live session regarding HD within the group hosted by both Xtina and Theo. I mentioned in the comments I was a reflector and the comments were “WOW!”, “You’re a UNICORN!”, “How awesome!!!”. I thought they were just being nice or, either, they were clueless and didn’t know I was an empty, soul-less slug with no personal definition or life purpose.

I left that “live” and cried for a long time. I looked into this whole HD thing in an effort to figure out my life’s purpose, who I am and to heal but what I found was more confusion, more rejection and non-belonging, wounding and pain.

The more I looked at the stupid chart, the madder I got. “I am not an empty, void being without purpose or a definition of my own uniqueness! I was CREATED for a reason and a purpose by LOVE. I REFUSE to buy that. There has to be more. THERE HAS TO BE.”

Out of pure pissy-ness, frustration and anger, I booked an intensive with Theo, joined her free FB community and jumped back into Google and YouTube full force. (Can you say, “activated to action”?)

Since my rocky start, I have had a lot of growth and development. I have had a MAJOR shift that has exposed and begun the healing of sooooooo much incorrect thinking about myself. It is really hard to believe I’m only 2.5 weeks old as a reflector. I have not even had my appointment with Theo yet. And now, I’m actually excited.

So, if you are struggling, know that the answers are just through the frustration. Don’t give in to the echoes of your past. Keep going. Your journey is about to take a wild turn!